I've always been the type of person that holds myself together really well. I don't let things get to me, I make it through extremely difficult situations quite calmly. I don't over react to trivial things. I gave birth to my first child 12 weeks early and dealt with her being in the NICU for 9 weeks and coming home with oxygen and other issues. I sent my husband away to Iraq for 14 months right after this baby was born and hardly shed a tear about any of it. I never had a break down, I never freaked out. I just went day to day and did what I needed to do and handled it all because I know that that is what needs to be done and having a breakdown doesn't fix the problem.
This doesn't mean I don't get upset from time to time. I'm quite good at expressing myself in situations where I disagree, or feel I need to put my foot down. I speak up when I need to and I do not let people walk all over me. Yet, now I'm suddenly having a hard time being that person. My ex has found a way to get to me, and I can't stay calm or hold myself together. Through the last six months of our separation I have not stooped to his level with the name calling or yelling and belittling. Not at all. I see no place for that and do not find it necessary. I believe I can be the bigger person, and have been. But damn, it is getting difficult.
This has been a very emotional week. I can not stand the way he is choosing to go about handling our situation any longer, and I can not keep my mouth shut about it anymore. Yet he always seems to get his way with the schedule, the kids, everything. He has everything held over my head every second. It's getting difficult to stay strong and calm and I want to run away and hide for about a month on some secluded beach where I don't have to deal with any of it. But, since I know that isn't going to happen anytime soon, I keep at it. I'll just keep pushing down the urge I have to punch him right between the eyes. He probably feels the same way about me. I suppose when two people go through a divorce that is how you feel about each other.
Let's hope next week's better. I need a good week. I need to be that happy, fulfilled person I was becoming. So, here's to Monday and a new week! Best of luck to us all!
I know I haven't been through a divorce, so I'm not going to pretend I understand. I will tell you that I know what it feels like to have someone make you feel worthless or make you question yourself. I feel so lucky to have the relationship with Sam that I do because I have been with other people who made me feel awful. No one should have to feel that way. Even today I struggle with staying positive, but it is something I am working on. I wrote a post about it the other day. Maybe you should read it and see if something there speaks to you. Just know that you have people who love you, and you have inspired others with your strength. If you can have an impact on a high school girl working as a waitress, you can inspire anyone! You are fun and straightforward and I miss you. Good luck on your journey. http://houseofantrim.blogspot.com/2011/01/becoming-diamond.html
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